Jul 312014
 

Artist rendering of 16th century chastity belt

No this is not a yahoo map to my house although I do live pretty close to an asshole (Republican) who shoots deer from his back porch and has a “Todd Akin for President” tatoo embossed on his penis.  Fortunately, even with a hard on all you can read is the “t”.

Actually this is an artist’s rendering of the latest miracle advancement in medicine aptly named TMI (transvaginal mesh implant). This contraption is an ingenious silicone net that gently lifts a lazy vagina and allows women working around food to do so without wearing underpants.  It was invented by the top chef at the famous Desert Sun Nudist Resort in Palm Springs.

Now if you stare at this picture long enough you may go back in time to “Find the Hidden Objects” game in Highlights magazine. Beginning at the very top of the pelvic girdle, try to find a mysterious set of eyes peeking through the pelvic inlet also known as The Battery Tunnel by vibrator users.

Hidden objects are imbedded all throughout the pelvic area.  Just below the crystals in the lighter magenta area which appears to be encased in chain mail you’ll begin to see a picture of Gene Simmons tongue forming.  Bingo!  Only three more hidden objects to find and then I’ll get back to the real hidden purpose of this blog.

As you scan the pelvic girdle (aka hip bones) you’ll notice the inverted flare of the bones which bear a striking resemblance to our current  president’s ear configuration.  To find the remaining two hidden objects travel due south of the tongue, hop over the tail bone and there they are.  If you said petrified baby fetuses you have now solved today’s puzzle.  This picture was taken after a woman was legitimately (really?) raped and had  TLI (Too Little Information) and a Hobby Lobby insurance plan.  The tuna net (mesh) kept the babies from slipping through the crack but dissolved most of their skeletal structures along with the silicone netting leaving only  hanging vajayjay in it’s wake.  And a heads up to men thinking about performing cunnilingus on women packing these IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices).  If the mesh happens to dislodge from the vaginal area or other perforated organs while your partner is on the low down, death by projectile meshing can occur.

The untested (yet FDA approved) crotch catcher does have a few complications/side effects.  The mesh is  known to shrink or contract once inside the vaginal area, which can cause vaginal shrinkage and severe pain. It can lead to severe pelvic pain, painful sexual intercourse, or an inability to have sexual intercourse.  No longer will women have to use the  “Not tonight honey.  I’ve got a headache .”  excuse.  This has now be replaced with the, “Go f*ck yourself!” imperative.

In 2010, almost 300,000 women received transvaginal mesh implants. Although it has been in use since for over 20 years, the Food and Drug Administration has only just issued a public safety warning about potential safety issues and complications involved with the procedure.  There was very little testing or research done before introducing the mesh for transvaginal use. The lack of evaluation prior to market use has caused thousands of women to file lawsuits due to life-changing, severe complications.

The most critical problems with transvaginal mesh are erosion and organ perforation. Erosion of mesh through the vaginal wall can require multiple surgeries to repair, but there are no guarantees a fix can be made. The mesh can also perforate nearby organs.  Not surprisingly this device was invented by a male who’s penis was written up in The Guiness Book of World Records as The Man Who Could Be Queen.

A word of advice to women who have tired vaginas.  Learn to dress on the left or the right.