May 182012
In these tough economic times people are coming up with new ways to save money; gain attention; create new businesses; cope with unnatural disasters and hold their relationships together.  Here are a few of the not so successful attempts.

Duck tape puts babysitters out of work

Teenagers across the nation are crying fowl with the latest jobs uncreation proposal sent to Congress by Republicans. Lobbyists from hardware stores across the nation have put forth a bill, which eliminates the need for babysitters and promises to save unfit parents 10's of dollars each year. Duct tape sales have dropped since 2003 when the Homeland Security Department called on Americans to buy duct tape and plastic sheeting to seal windows and doors in the event of a terrorist attack. Now that the world is safe, profits must be restored and parents must be allowed to go out on a Friday night without worrying what the babysitter might be up to. The new tape is called "Baby Stickers" and comes in five colors: Skin Tone.  It also comes in three different sizes: Only Child, Twin Pack and Octomom.

When you said badass, you really meant, Bad ASS

Brooklyn police were called in to investigate a claim that some asshole was hanging from an illegal cable hookup in the Sheepshead Bay area.  After hours of trying to talk down the only nude grandchild of The Flying Wallendas, officer Angela Ramirez became frustrated and began talking dirty to Hugo Wallenda.

She realized that his penis was caught between the twisted cables and that the only thing keeping him from falling to his death was his erection.  When Ramirez saw Hugo becoming flaccid she immediately started telling him the childhood story her  "uncle" used to read to her at 2:30 in the morning.

"Once upon a time there was this beautiful little princess who was so lonely because she hand no one to play with..."

Wallenda is now in custody pending trial for projectile farting into an officer's face.

Explosion in earring factory creates new business model: Live kiosks

Marvin Chi of Needles, California was arrested in China after setting up shop next to a statue of the Chinese god  "You've Got To Be Kidding Me."  When asked by a reporter why he didn't try to explain what he was doing selling jewelry without a license he responded, "My klung got tuck to tee woof of my mou and I cludint peak." Chi is now facing charges of over accessorizing without a permit and has been sentenced to death by giant magnets.    

Yes, I'll hold

While walking his dog along Main Street in the small village of Cantstopit, Henri Stephanopolis heard a public phone ringing and decided to answer it.  As he listened to one of his favorite music on hold songs, sirens and alarms began blaring from a nearby building. Mesmerized by the hypnotic music, Henri was startled when a voice interrupted.  "You are the 104th caller to report the severe leak from the nuclear sewage plant.  If you are walking a dog along main street in the small village of Cantstopit, don't bother bagging the poo.  And whatever you do, don't pick up the public phone!"  

Gay Orangutans give up fruit for dairy

A jealous female orangutan, suspecting that her mate Harry was on the down low, dressed up in a natural blonde California babe costume and followed him to the park. Upon arrival she spotted her competition yawning on the park bench.  She was immediately struck by his impeccable fashion sense and lack of adequate dental work. In an effort to thwart her mate's infidelity, Bambi jumped in between the big apes and pretended to put a move on her husband's alleged paramour.  Harry, suspecting that this might be an undercover bust grabbed one of them. Author's note:  A special thanks to my family for allowing me to use photos from our family album.
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