Apr 062012

The Pee Patch

With Easter just around the corner, many families in the U.S. are gathering around their kitchen tables and creating colorful easter eggs using all-natural dyes made from coffee, beets, tumeric, and red cabbage. In another part of the world, citizens in the Chinese city of Dongyang are  preparing their eggs for a slightly different spring celebration.  They too use an all-natural dye gathered in basins and buckets.  Yellow eggs may not seem that out of the ordinary for most, but using urine from virgin Chinese boys under the age of ten to color them certainly is.  I just want to know what's wrong with a 60 year old woman's pee who wished she'd stayed a virgin?  And who the hell's going to admit that they can taste the difference? Anyway, the "Dongy's" don't hide these eggs for the kids to find.  Nooooo...after soaking and boiling them in urine until the shells crack, they let them continue to simmer for hours to absorb the freshly harvested virgin pee.  Then they sell their delicacies as a natural remedy claiming "By eating these eggs, we will not have any pain in our waists, legs and joints."  I'm thinking there are still all kinds of body parts that are affected by pre-pubescent  pee - like the brain!  Duh! Thank God we live in the U.S.A. where we can count on the FDA to protect us from this kind of atrocity!
"Starbucks' Frap in a Flap Over Dye With Insects"
Starbucks, or as I now call it, Starbugs, isn't the only company using crushed beetle shells to color their reddish-pink flavored drinks.  It appears that many crimson colored liquids and solids on grocery store shelves contain this beetlejuice.  Can you say fruit punch?  Can you say Campari?  How about yogurt?  To get an idea of just how many products we consume that contain cochineal (carmine dye), head on over to an in depth (TMI) article by Angel Flinn called "Natural Colors – Carmine & Cochineal".  If this doesn't bug you, may I offer to buy you a Starbugs Strawberry Creme Frappuccino?
"Pink Slime" Maker Files Chapter 11
I'd love to say my blog on PS earlier this month had something to do with this, but I believe that honor goes to any sentient being.  AFA Foods, which was one of the largest slime makers in America, just filed for Chapter 11.  Of course they blamed the media for all the bad publicity.  Other "filler" factories are closing their processing plants as well.  Could it be the these slime buckets have been done in by their own slime buckets? Be on the lookout for the fast food chains to raise prices and shrink the size of their burgers.  When you see advertisements like, "Free Not-as-Big Mac with purchase of two Strawberry shakes" or "Buy one Double Whimper with shredded cheese and get 100 BK (Bug Killer) mini Strawberry sundaes". I became more curious and nauseous as I continued my search for other unusual 'approved' additives.  I came upon a gut wrenching article called "11 Disgusting Ingredients You Eat Everyday That Food Companies Don't Talk About" by Laura Stampler. Here are just a few little known tidbits from her article.  The categories are hers, but I've modified the  descriptions to prevent any undigested foods you hadn't planned on seeing again from mucking up your keyboards.  So grab a barf bag and have a gander at what you'll be giving up for the next Lenten season. Ice Cream: Beaver Anal Glands - More commonly known as castoreum, this little mixture of beaver anal secretions mixed with a dollop of urine is a flavor enhancer used in vanilla ice cream.  That leads me to believe that chocolate has a bit more than a secretion in it. Now I didn't find any information stating that all ice cream contains this charming concoction, but I'm thinking Ben & Jerry  have an opportunity for a new flavor.  Something romantic like "Secretions" or a down home flavor called "Fanny Dripper's Delight" perhaps.  (Remember their flavor Schweddy Balls?) All I wanna know is who did the taste testing on this shi*? Gum: Sheep Secretions - Fortunately we're not talking Beaver butt juice here.  It's actually a lovely skin secretion from the sebaceous glands of sheep which we affectionately call Lanolin.  Its main purpose in gum is to keep it 'soft'.  Hmmmmm...perhaps we've just discovered a kinder, gentler birth control cream for men.  Or a replacement for salt peter called "Soft Peter".  We can make it a mandatory daily vitamin for all pedophiles, rapists, horny husbands and neighbors annoying dogs that hump you.  Ladies, this is a Gloria Steinem moment! Shredded Cheese: Sawdust - Cellulose (sawdust) is apparently used to keep all those little shards of parmesan from clumping.  That  might explain why the waiter handed me a pair of tweezers and an alcohol swab when I said "yes" to his question "Would you like some shredded parmesan on your pasta?"  Unlike "Soft Peter" men should be banned from eating any type of shredded dairy products.  Unless they need some extra wood in their life! Mushrooms: Maggots - The FDA does have its limits.  The fact that they only allow up to  19 maggots and 74 mites in a 3.5-ounce can of mushrooms tells me they really are looking out for us.  After reading this, I realized that I might not be allergic to mushrooms at all.  It's probably been the maggots and mites all along. On that note I will leave you with an easy way to remember what grubs to avoid when shopping. "If there's red in it, there's dead in it."
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  One Response to “PEE: The Final Frontier.”

  1. Oh I don’t know, I could be a fan of glands, but I would sure as hell weep for the sheep!! I don’t even want to go there with what rhythms with Maggots!! >cause you knows I luvs ya.. .. <:)!

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